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Dear Reader,
I have a huge fondness for ice. The naughty ice cube trick my college roommate taught me. The ice the nurse wrapped up in a diaper for post-birth relief. The Ice I rubbed on my teething baby’s gums. The half melted glass of ice I crunched loudly during my first big fight with my husband. The ice in the water that helped me make a decent pie crust for the first time. The ice that clinks in my glass at the end of the day when the house is quiet and sleepy.
I feel like I’m sending all you lovely readers off on a fantastic voyage with my friend Lotta Svoboda at the helm. I can tell you that you’re going to have a great trip, but you really might want to buckle your seatbelt and brace yourself against the frame of your car…
In this first installment of Crafting with Lotta, she teaches you the fine art of writing notes to your precious wee ones, and in future episodes, well, I don’t have words. Let’s just say that she’s just getting warmed up, and you might want to get your glue gun all heated up, dial ‘9-1’ and hover over that final ‘1’.
Are there projects you just have to learn to do? Leave Lotta notes in the comments, and she just might come to your rescue. And be sure to check out her hilarious blog and fantastic button jewelry as well.
Dear Reader,
When my sister and I were young our mom would occasionally slip little notes into our lunch boxes. She wrote them onto paper napkins with dark magic markers. And they were a magnificent blend of passive aggressive, 70’s parenting lingo and pure love. “Try not to use your stink’n think’n!” or “We love you even if you only sit with one person at lunch today.”
My sister and I were appropriately mortified when we found these gems. And yet our magic marker stained lips would still smile knowing that our mom took the time to connect with us. If you want your children to feel equal parts loved and confused, then this is the craft project for you.
Passive Aggressive Lunch Notes.
Step 1. Pull out a sheet of pretty paper. A little sugar helps the medicine go down you know. So raid your stash of overpriced scrapbooking supplies.
Step 2: Open up your word processing program and select a handwritten font.
Step 3: If you know how to make tables, then good for you! If not – just hit the enter key a few times after each love note. Start typing! Chances are you’ve got a whole collection of sweet nothings ready to roll. But if you need some inspiration, here are a few ditties to get you started;
I think the ham might be bad. Let me know how it goes.
Love MomI am the only woman that will ever love you.
Love MomI packed your favorite chocolate cake! By the way, do we need to go shopping? I noticed your pants were a little tight.
Love MomYou are my favorite. Shhh.
Love Mom
Hint: If you don’t put a comma between Love and Mom then you get extra passive aggressive bonus points.
Step 4: Print out your words of wisdom. Use some of those fancy edging scissors to cut the notes out. Then place in a pretty basket near your lunch making station. (i.e. by the peanut butter).
It’s ok if you only think of a few things to write. Getting the same note over and over again only reinforces the love. But if you’re really stuck remember that anything with quotations around it is immediately rendered passive aggressive. For example; You look so “pretty” today!
Love Lotta
Dear Reader,
Ask my children to clean something and it’s necessary to anchor yourself to the nearest door frame, lest you be blown away by the gale of whining. But put a poster board chart up on the wall with the promise of stickers for tasks finished and they knock each other over to Swiffer the family room.
In fact, I’ve discovered that stickers make manipulating children so much easier. Put a Dora the Explorer sticker on a banana and suddenly it’s super delicious. “Quick eat the brown, mushy part before Swiper swipes it! Swiper no swiping!” Put Barney on the toilet brush and they’re singing about how they love everyone while they clean the crapper.
But it occurred to me the other day that while placing chores like, “Clean your room”, “Use your manners” on a sticker reward chart was all well and good. I was thinking too small. Surely, there are far better things we can train our children up to do? We need to take advantage of this Pavlovian sticker training and create The Subversive Chore Chart.
If I may suggest a few:
Ask mommy, “Have you lost weight?”
Claim to be fed only organic fruit picked by vegans wearing sandals made out of rope and newspapers while in public.
When daddy asks what you did today do not say “cartoons”.
Brag about mommy’s cooking while at Grandmas house.
Challenge daddy to a floor scrubbing match. “Dad, betcha can’t scrub this floor as fast as I can!”
Fetch cold beverages for grownups.
Talk about how flipp’n awesome your mother is while at play dates.
The list is endless really. Have fun!
Love, Lotta
Dear Reader,
When I was in the third grade we were asked to create a diorama that represented a climate, or geographical setting of some kind. The tropics, perhaps a frozen tundra or a mountainous region. Honestly, I wasn’t paying all that much attention. I had just started reading A Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder and there wasn’t anything more riveting to me than reading about Laura and her Pa having to grind up wheat in the coffee mill. Or Ma Ingalls making ice cream out of some snow and maple syrup. Really, these people were geniuses.
The day before the project was due I decided that I would make a Desert scene. Tents, sheiks and the whole shebang. I would use whatever I had on hand – just like the Ingalls. I took out a rusty cookie sheet and filled it with scoops of sand from our sandbox. [Read more…]
Dear Reader,
I’m a Lutheran, and when people ask what kind of Lutheran I usually respond “The Wisconsin kind.” And if they won’t let up I just start singing the Yon Yonson song till they go away.
My name is Yon Yonson
I live in Wisconsin
I work in a lumber mill there.
All the people I meet
when I walk down the street
say “Hello, what’s your name?” and I say:
My name is Yon Yonson
I live in Wisconsin…
(repeat and repeat and repeat)
I really have no idea what synod or sect or cult of Lutheran my family is. I just know that we tend to drink lots of coffee and there are usually at least two kinds of Jell-O at church gatherings. And that we secretly envy the fact that Catholics get to have hard liquor at their family get togethers.
[Read more…]