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Passive Aggressive Lunch Notes

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I feel like I’m sending all you lovely readers off on a fantastic voyage with my friend Lotta Svoboda at the helm. I can tell you that you’re going to have a great trip, but you really might want to buckle your seatbelt and brace yourself against the frame of your car…

In this first installment of Crafting with Lotta, she teaches you the fine art of writing notes to your precious wee ones, and in future episodes, well, I don’t have words. Let’s just say that she’s just getting warmed up, and you might want to get your glue gun all heated up, dial ‘9-1’ and hover over that final ‘1’.

Are there projects you just have to learn to do? Leave Lotta notes in the comments, and she just might come to your rescue. And be sure to check out her hilarious blog and fantastic button jewelry as well.

Dear Reader,

When my sister and I were young our mom would occasionally slip little notes into our lunch boxes. She wrote them onto paper napkins with dark magic markers. And they were a magnificent blend of passive aggressive, 70’s parenting lingo and pure love. “Try not to use your stink’n think’n!” or “We love you even if you only sit with one person at lunch today.”

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My sister and I were appropriately mortified when we found these gems. And yet our magic marker stained lips would still smile knowing that our mom took the time to connect with us. If you want your children to feel equal parts loved and confused, then this is the craft project for you.

Passive Aggressive Lunch Notes.

Step 1. Pull out a sheet of pretty paper. A little sugar helps the medicine go down you know. So raid your stash of overpriced scrapbooking supplies.

Step 2: Open up your word processing program and select a handwritten font.

Step 3: If you know how to make tables, then good for you! If not – just hit the enter key a few times after each love note. Start typing! Chances are you’ve got a whole collection of sweet nothings ready to roll. But if you need some inspiration, here are a few ditties to get you started;

I think the ham might be bad. Let me know how it goes.
Love Mom

I am the only woman that will ever love you.
Love Mom

I packed your favorite chocolate cake! By the way, do we need to go shopping? I noticed your pants were a little tight.
Love Mom

You are my favorite. Shhh.
Love Mom

Hint: If you don’t put a comma between Love and Mom then you get extra passive aggressive bonus points.

Step 4: Print out your words of wisdom. Use some of those fancy edging scissors to cut the notes out. Then place in a pretty basket near your lunch making station. (i.e. by the peanut butter).

It’s ok if you only think of a few things to write. Getting the same note over and over again only reinforces the love. But if you’re really stuck remember that anything with quotations around it is immediately rendered passive aggressive. For example; You look so “pretty” today!

Love Lotta

Garden Gifts For Boozehounds

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Happy day, happy day! My friend Lotta is back at Try Handmade. Last year she wrote the Crafting with Lotta column, and now she’s back with the equally inspired Gift Guides column. Lest you think this is just another yawn-inspiring “Gift for Her” “Gifts for Him” column, just read on. And laugh. And learn to Love Lotta like I do :) Welcome Back Lotta – so glad to have you here! ::Erika

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Is there anything better than sitting in your backyard and admiring the day’s hard work? You’ve weeded, you’ve planted, you’ve given the large majority of your paycheck to the garden center and now it’s time to enjoy. Scrub the dirt and mulch splinters from underneath your fingernails, take a long hot shower and pour yourself a glass of something medicinal to ease your aching muscles. Do you hear those ice cubes tinkling around in your glass? Bring it up to your ear and listen because that’s the sound of applause for a job well done my friend.

May I offer a few product recommendations to help capture this perfect post gardening, all cleaned up with a drink in hand bliss? Perhaps these Hummingbird Feeders by DeeLux Designs? They are made from upcycled Jose Cuervo and Captain Jack Morgan bottles. It’s as if you are generously inviting the birds to partake in your post-gardening celebration with you.

And don’t grab just any old glass to pour your drink into. You deserve something special, something that says “Sure my recycler bin might crash and clink more than yours on garbage day. But did you see the water feature I just installed in the back beds? Sweet right?” Like these reclaimed Red Stripe Beer bottles that have been smoothed into super classy tumblers by Bottlehood.

One mistake I’ve made as a gardener is forgetting to water the window boxes and deck plants. The flowers in the ground can usually weather a few days neglect, but those container gardens dry up mighty quick. I suggest purchasing a pack of Wine Bottle Plant Nannies to make your own watering stakes out of discarded Merlot bottles.

Lastly, I am always a fan of a good vintage boozeholder. Decant your margaritas into this vintage modern polka dotted beverage holder from HydrangeaRow. And drop your scotch into this retro plaid “Skotch Party Bucket” from TheClassicFarmhouse.

Cheers,
Lotta

Valley Of The Dolls Cupcake Tutorial

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Dear Reader,

I was waiting in line at the drive-thru pharmacy window when I realized there were 4 identical mini-vans driven by mothers who were also waiting to get their prescriptions. It was a drug convoy of moms. And the lineup made me wonder, “Were any of us using the drive-thru so that we could be a bit hush-hush about what medicine we were picking up?”

Which is silly. God knows that Xanax has made me a far better mother than Dr. Spock ever did. So if you are one of the folks that need to swallow a little help in the morning, be it for your mood or your sciatica – chin up! And if you aren’t, chances are your neighbor or best friend is. So I’m bringing you all the Valley Of The Dolls Cupcake Tutorial to help kick off this festival of pharmaceutical acceptance. No shame allowed! Only Vodka and candy pills.

If you haven’t read Valley Of The Dolls I must insist you do so as soon as possible, or at least watch the movie. It’s a fun campy story set in the late 1960s Hollywood. And it has quotes that beg to be taken out of context at any opportunity. When your family asks why you’re so darn grumpy in the morning say, “I have to get up at five o’clock in the morning and SPARKLE, Neely, SPARKLE!”

Step 1 – Assemble Your Ingredients.

Pantry Basics

  • Booze
  • Reduced Sugar Yellow Cake Mix and Frosting – Because pills bloat.
  • Fiber – You know why.
  • Candy Resembling Pills – I recommend Good & Plenty and Red Hots.
  • Cupcake Papers – Bake It Pretty has some great ones.

Step 2 – Make Your Cupcakes!

Improvise based on what’s in your booze cupboard. I used the Cake Doctor’s yummy White Russian Cupcake Recipe but replaced her frosting with canned. I’m classy like that.

Step 3 – Decorate!

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After you’ve frosted your cupcakes it’s time to turn them into a dessert worthy of The Valley Of The Dolls. Take a handful of Good & Plenty and sprinkle liberally and haphazardly. Repeat with the Red Hots. Put any extra candy into tiny little white paper cups and offer them to people on a tray with a glass of water when they come to your house.

I put my cupcakes on a vintage pharmaceutical ad premium tray. You can find one of your own by searching the Collectibles section of EBay under Science & Medicine.

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Enjoy! And remember, if anyone is brassy enough to suggest you’ve had enough cupcakes it’s time to start quoting again;

“Who’s stoned? I am merely traveling incognito.”
“There’s juice freaks, and pill freaks, and then everybody’s a freak!”
“This is my happening and it freaks me out!”

Love Lotta